Moving on up: Boxmaggedon

Well, we have officially moved into our new place!  And so far, I'm pretty in love.  There is so much more space here I don't know what to do with myself (other than roll around on the carpet, naturally.)  We're still not all of the way out of the other place, but there is only bits and pieces left.  I hope that this is the place where we can bring a baby to! :)

Speaking of,  we did in fact do another round of Femara again, same dosage.  This time I had four follicles on CD12...a 19, 15,14, and 11 mm.  Weee! :)  The doctor I saw this time was actually the head of the IVF department for Walter Reed National Naval Medical Center.  He told me I really didn't need to come back and do ultrasounds since we know for sure it is working, and his recommendation was to do 6 more rounds of Femara before whatever the next step was.  This was contrasting to what the nurse case manager told me, as she said we'd do this round, then one more round, and if we weren't pregnant then we'd have to set up a consult.  He also said there was no point to IUI, but didn't say squat about injectables.  He wasn't my favorite doctor so far. :/ He didn't even let me see the screen when he was probing my ovaries.  He was nice though, which I still rank higher than that first bitch we saw who made me wait three months for nothing. >:(

So right now I'm in my second TWW ever, and having zero symptoms of anything.  Last time all the fun stuff started around 5DPO, so I'll have to wait to see what the weekend entails.  :)  This time I made SURE we BD'd enough, even to the point where my husband was like, "....Aaagaaainnn? whiinnnneee"  Arn't weiners supposed to like booty every five minutes? I am excited to get some recreational love time this weekend though.  I've had my fill of, "Is it hard? Ok, quickie, GO!"  Momma needs some love love time! >:)

My only other milestone I can think of at this late hour, is that a few weeks ago I confessed to my mother and grandma that we were going to see fertility doctors regarding my less than stellar lady parts.  Mom could have given two shits less, but grandma was super excited.  The one thing I miss about being back home is living with my G and getting to spend so much time with her.  Now we're reduced to early morning texting about how crazy American Horror Story is getting.  <3 Her!


Missing the Egg

Where does the time go?  Let's play catch up and find out!

We're officially done with Clomid! At our mid-cycle u/s for 150mg, the biggest follicle I had was a 10mm.  No beuno!  At that time due to my poo quality lining, my RE instructed me to go ahead and start on Femara/Letrozole that day and to see what would happen.  I came back a week later (approx. CD11) and to my extreme surprise, we had one big and beautiful 17mm follie! I almost cried right then and there.  It was beyond words to finally have made some sort of response to an ovulation drug.  Two weeks and a positive opk later, I got further confirmation of ovulation with my progesterone being a glorious 18.79.  However, it seems that first egg was too illusive, as BFN after BFN came, and now today I feel the semi-familiar knocking of mother nature on my uterine doorstep.  I guess this will mean a call to the RE's office tomorrow to see what the end of the year will bring.  I'm guessing another round of Femara since I did so well with it this time.  Time will tell. :)

Other than that, not too much has been going on.  J and I had our faux wedding a few weeks ago to commenerate our anniversary, as well as bring our marriage out of the closet for the families.  It's such a big relief to not have to watch what I say anymore, remember to take my rings off during visits, and hide my drivers license when I'm ordering margaritas.  I'll post one of the pictures when I get home today!

We're also mid-moving to a new place.  We're upgrading from our one bedroom matchbox to a three bedroom townhouse.  I'm so beyond excited for all of this space, I don't even know what to do with myself.  Ahh, <3

I guess I should get back to work now...maybe.



I've taken up charting as mentioned in my last post, so if you'd like to stalk it, feel free!

I can has ovulation? Plz?!


Panda where art thou?

I guess it's been a month now and we can end the suspense of what I've been doing for the past few weeks.  Are you ready? Let's go!

Our 1st Medicated Cycle:

The first round of Clomid had it's ups and downs, and while it was a fail, it was interesting.  While taking it, I had zero side effects.  I think I had one hot flash and one "If I had a knife I'd stab you" moment with DH.  Alas, he lived to tell the tale.  After Clomid, I began a short decent into hell.  I had cramps, abominal cramps/gas/painful stabs that almost sent me to the ER, spotting, and nausea every day, all day. It was awful.

The best part? I went through it solo.  On CD12, Hubbo had to go out into the field for work (which I know he could have gotten out of easy, but he's too nice to ask.)  I was already content mentally with the fact that even if Clomid did work, it would have been a failure because my sperm buddy was gone.  I got my progesterone drawn on CD22, and it was a .3.  No O for this chick! That made me feel a lot better about the husband being gone situation.  It wouldn't have mattered if he was here or not, no babies were being made in this uterus! My RE called and said that she still wanted me to wait until CD43 to start provera again.  I was not happy about this....this was putting us at September for starting round two. Ugh.  But then....a miracle happened.  Dearest AF came to visit me on CD35!  This being the first self made period I've had for as long as I can remember, you can imagine all the crazy ranting to myself I did in the bathroom...haha!

So now we're on Round 2, ding ding!!  The RE thought that I just O'd late (too late) so we moved onto 100 mg to see what happens with that.  I have one more pill to take tonight, and then I'm back to OPK madness this week.  I started temping this round too. Apparently I'm part vampire and my temperature is usually around 96 in the morning.  I hope this makes me more appealing to Edward Cullen. Just thought I'd throw that out there..haha.

That's all that's going on in my world!  Work is work, the zoo is never content, and our AC broke again last night so it's a million degrees and asses are sweatin' up in here.  Here's to the next post, which will occur sooner than the one month mark this time, swears.


An Open Letter

I'm stealing this from Em. I think this is an accurate reflection of the inner workings of infertiles. I know to me personally, it's like someone looked into my soul and wrote it down. I encourage everyone to take the time to read it and to share it with others. We're all in this struggle together.


I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.
You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad, loss of control and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.
My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.
My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self-esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They inflict discomfort and sometimes pain on me, pry into my privacy, sometimes patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't always cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my partnership under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor/clinic at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.
I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind.

I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually, I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information, which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self-esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to post-coital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.
Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

The author, Jody Earle, frequently felt the need for a brochure like this one during her own eleven-year infertility struggle. She experienced three pregnancy losses, one in each trimester and eventually, the premature births of her two sons. She continues to be a peer counselor for those working through infertility.


Misadventures in Radiologyland

Some things happen to the general population, but special awesome things the universe reserves for me. 

So yesterday was HSG day. We arrived at 12:30 for our appointment at 1. There were eight other ladies there to have the HSG done as well. My blood pressure was high....again. Every time I tell them I have white coat hypertension, the nurses never believe me. I think I'd know myself by now. Maybe. So after one, we all were ushered onward to wait in the clinic.  Naturally, we were second to last to be called...three hours later. I wish we would have been last.

They took DH and I back, gowned me, and got me up on the table. They had a med student there to observe/partake, which didn't bother me.  What did bother me was that I have a very high cervix, so that little boy cranked that speculum  around like he was playing Atari trying to find it. Po' vagina. So they got all one hundred things in there, which hurt like a bitch. I felt like I was getting poked with sticks, and then clubbed with a big stick. They injected the dye, started up the picture machine, saw it fill up my uterus, and BAM!!

The machine died.

Everyone was looking around with question marks on their faces. They tried to restart it, but it was a no go. Then they gave me the options (while I still had all of those things all up in my vajayjay): I could either opt to quit and come back another day, or they could reboot the machine while I laid there with god knows what shoved into my lady cavity. I opted to just sit and tough it out, after all I did NOT want to go through getting all of those things in there again. That shit hurt--don't let anyone ever lie to you about it. So I sat and waited....for 20 minutes. So at this point the story should end with.."and then the machine worked and everything was fantabulous!". 


The machine died....again.

So I could either cancel and come back again, or they could move me to the other room and we could do the whole thing again. The clamps, the speculum, the grenade, the spaghetti noodles, all of it. Christ almighty, why?! This is when the tech chimed in and said they could use a different, less painful catheter. I wish I knew then when I agreed that she was a lying bitch.

So they ripped all of my cooter accessories out (one word...OUCH! D:) and I waddled over to the next room. Everything was set up again, they spread me wide and went right back at it. That second catheter was a balloon one without the thing that clamps onto your uterus. I cried silently for my poor, poor insides as I laid on the table praying for the sweet release of death. But I didn't get death...I got a perfectly clear and normal HSG. :) No tubes blocked, no gnomes growing where they shouldn't be. Yay!!! 

 Everyone said I was a trooper for getting two HSGs back to back. F yes I was! And you can bet your sweet bottom I went straight to Chili's and downed a margarita like a lightning bolt! KA-CHOW!  They also told me had the first machine lasted 2 seconds longer they would have seen the spillage and I wouldn't have had to do it twice. Totally not comforting.

I'm still in pain from it. I guess getting doubled up with dye isn't setting well with my body. And I haven't even looked at my hoo-ha yet...I assume it looks like a disaster zone. Can I get FEMA to come down there? Hmmm..*ponders*

So HSG went well, I've finished my first cycle of Clomid, and now we're waiting to see if my ovaries will perk up and come back from their lifetime long vacation. Yea, wouldn't that be nice? Definitely, definitely nice. :)


I can has manslaughter?!

"THATZ MAH JAM" Jam of the Day: Motivation by Kelly Rowland

"Woah lover, when you call my name...No other can do that the same."

I didn't realize I hadn't posted in a few weeks. *cuddles blogger* You know I love you baby.

I started my job two weeks ago.  It's pretty much the place I worked at before, complete with old women who live to bitch and endless amounts of drama. And an incompetent manager.  Since I only plan on having this job until we're pregnant I plan on suffering through it.  I mean, I should in theory be used to it.  It's just such a pain to live through it all again. Lawdy!  Here's to hoping it doesn't take 8 trillion years for my eggs to realize they should probably be doing something other than sitting around collecting dust.

Speaking of--I'm starting Clomid July 9th or roundabout, depending on what that b' AF is going to do.  Not sure I have high hopes for it, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed regardless.

Hubberz had an MRI done on his foot that was hurting him.  They found some mass around his heel, but the results won't be in until this week sometime, and he's conveniently out in the field until Wednesday or Friday.  He also went to a smoking cessation class.  They gave him patches and anti-depressants.  Apparently, anti-d's help with "taking the fun out" of smoking.  Sadly, all of the side effects are horrible, so he'll pretty much be on a PMS-Roid-Rage-athon for 7-12 weeks. I can't begin to tell you how sarcastically excited I am for his mood swings.  Coupled with my upcoming Clomid rage, we might just kill each other.  In fact, if you don't hear from me for more than a month, assume that yes in fact, I have slaughtered him. 

But in the event we both survive, I will be very proud of him for quitting. :)

Das End//



So I was switched to Metformin XR, and I can safely say I've poo'd my entire body weight about 4 times already today.  Even the cat knew better than to go down the hallway to the room of solitude. At least I'm feeling skinny today! I mean really, how could I not. Lolz!

The end.


DH offered to take Metformin too so he could "sympathy poop" with me. What a keeper!

The end end.



I didn't abandon you blogger.  Here I am, complete with updates out the wazoo! Let's skip the foreplay and get right down to it, Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

My friend came to stay and we had a wonderful week together!  We went to the beach, walked in downtown DC in 102 degree weather, and ate lots of Noodles N' Company! :) On the negative side of that, we all suffered sunburn, even DH who claimed he was "too Asian to get sunburnt." Yep, burnt to a crisp.  Walking around DC in 102 degree weather was the worst idea.  We were drenched in sweat after 30 minutes, and I even took a moment at the Washington Monument to air out my hoo-haa.  Such a classy lady--I hope to pass down these traits to my future offspring.  The only other slip up in her visit was our A/C broke during said 102 degree heat. The first call to maintenance they said "we're not sure when that can be fixed, maybe in a few weeks."  Excuse me? Oh no, no.  Seven angry, "wtf" phone calls later, they fixed it the next day. That's right mammy.

I've been on two whole job interviews and got both jobs! One was full time, o.k. pay, and the other was part time, bomb.com pay.  I took the full time, since I wasn't convinced I did any good at the p.t. interview.  Naturally, I got the p.t. one too. :)  So I've accepted the p.t. job too.  I just have to decide how to let down the first place.  They were super weird, it was very off-putting. The manager there also told me flat out that "I wasn't her first choice."  Who does that?  Unprofessional much?  She also oggled at the fact that I was so young.  It was...different.  I also came across the issue of military discrimination.  At the p.t. job, apparently that was a big hang up for them.  The manager there asked me several times about deployment, what my plans would be, etc.  This job is through a staffing company, so when I talked to the manager guy there and he told me that, it was a little disheartening.  My husband is in the military.  He represents our country and your freedoms.  It is not a walk in the park, and it's nice to know people look down on you for it when it comes to employment.  But, rant aside, I start work Monday. :)

The part you've been waiting for!  I finally had my RE appointment!  The doctor I had this time around was fabulous, and took the time to answer all of my questions and then some. :)  She went over DH's lab results first.  He was happy to know that he does in fact have super sperm.  He beamed with a sense of pride and accomplishment.  Then came mine.  She said my DHEA caught her eye, but it was nothing serious like cancer or anything crazy.  She said it was just indicative of PCOS, and not to worry.  Definitely good to know! She said my FSH was great and my LH was at the level where I would be ok to use OPKs and shouldn't get wanky results.  So next cycle (like two more weeks) we will be starting Clomid! :)  I also have to get an HSG--the doctor was surprised the previous physician didn't order it. Would have been nice..haha.  So we're doing three rounds of Clomid--if that doesn't work then we'll either do Femara/Clomid combo or just go to injectables.  If injectables don't work, then since there is no need to do IUI (thanks super sperm!), the last option would be IVF. However, this all depends on....

DH has one more chance to pass his PT test.  If he fails his next test, he will be getting kicked out of the Army. :(  Not sure what will happen to us if that happens.  We'd probably have to move back home.  We'd be stopped in baby-making tracks with no insurance.  We'd be SOL.  I'm praying it doesn't come to this, but I can't help to plan for the worst. :(

I also lost 4 pounds. Yay! :)
Ending on a smilie face!


Cat's Out of the Bag- Sorta Kinda!

I didn't realize I hadn't updated in ten days. Jinkies! Let's play catch up.

*Hubby's SA is today!  I've been teasing him for an eternity now about making sweet cuppy love. I'm having him ask if he can get the results over the phone or not, but my guess is no.

*He told his brother that we are married.  His brother, wife, and their baby came to stay with us for a day.  I've never actually gotten to hang out with them, it was super nice!  Also talking to my new "sister" made me feel better about the MIL.  It turns out MIL absolutely hates her, so it's good to know it's not just me. :)  I also changed my FB status to married, but only one person has noticed...haha.

*Pool opens next week, my friend comes in on Saturday. Tres excited! Not excited about driving to Dulles though, I've heard horror stories. :/

That's all I've got, not entirely exciting as it turns out. :]

Panda Lily Designs Love Time!


The Sunday After Saturday

Who knew a bottle of hair bleach and a can of Coca-Cola could make Sunday so good? :)

DH got me a fancy new table to do my crafting on!  We stuck it in the bedroom and had to do some feng shui to get everything to fit and not look too horrible.  He wouldn't let me stick the dog cages beside the bed so now one half of the room looks like furniture town and the other half is slightly barren.  A bummer for my inner interior decorator.  He really only swiped the table for me because he was sick of seeing my crafting stuff all over the computer desk. (IE--He couldn't get to the computer...ever. Har, har!)

He is also going out in the field this week for a company that isn't his.  Insert the usual rant about missing him, but reveling in the fact the house will be clean until Friday. :)  The only part I hated about this outing is that they waited until Friday to tell him he'd be leaving Monday and gone all week.  Thanks U.S. Army! You are an endless source of thoughtfulness and tact.

So, all in all everything is a-ok. :)
Miss Kitten has her very first vet appointment this week, Lady Gaga's new CD comes out in 8 days, and DH is getting his SA done next Tuesday.  Annnndddd less than two weeks until my girlfriend comes to visit the sights and sounds of DC! (And me!) :)

End of May---you are shaping up very nicely! Lookin' good!


Matters of the Heart and Inner Demons

As a warning before you read this, this is an emo blog post.  I have no one I feel I can talk to about this period, so this is for my own well being.  More than likely, it will make no sense to anyone but me.  But, if you happen to decipher it, please do not comment with sad faces and internet hugs, this is not what I'm after.  I post this only as a way to bring an inner demon of mine out of my chest and into tangible black and white.  If you do not agree with anything I write, once again, please don't comment.  A happy blog post will come another day and I will resume being my normal self, I assure you.  But as of this moment, I am at an emotional low, and this is me building the stairs up and out of my darkness.

Thanks in advance.

To have a peaceful relationship, what lengths should one strive for to make that work?  Is sacrificing the things you want and most desire the appropriate path to take in order to keep the waters calm?  In an endless argument, is it best to swallow your pride and disregard your own needs for the greater good?

That's the choice I'm faced with.

In matters of sex in relation to the importance of a partnership, if we're speaking honestly, it's pretty up there.  We all get to that comfortable point where we are past the honeymoon phase, but have not yet plateaued onto abstinence.  It becomes a game of cat and mouse, a game of scheduling and sleep.

Our only argument has been over sex.  We don't argue over money, or who's right and wrong, it's always bedroom related.  At the beginning, it was fabulous.  A never ending onslaught of passion of fervor.  This feeling, as it turns out, was at its peak before its prime.  After the "I do's" and a 400+ mile move, sex went from frequent to an immediate downhill sled race to nadda.

Honestly, the frequency isn't an issue for me.  
It's the passion.

The feeling of being wanted, to know his eyes are watching my every move, thinking every move is beautiful. Growing more and more in need of my touch.  It's very easy to write this off as a fantasy feeling.  Something you read about in literature, see on the television.  Ladies--if you're claiming to have never felt this once in your relationship endeavors, you are lying to yourself.  You know it's real, and you know it's intoxicating.  For a man to want you and no one else, it's gold, the Midas touch.

When trying to conceive with the pitfalls of infertility, sex can be routine.  Nothing strips the fun out of the bedroom like, "We have to do it at this time, in this position.  Don't be late or you are fired."  As females, we are built to feed off the emotional aspects of physical love.  Face it--the sex is not spectacular if you are not there mentally. Truth, simply put.

This single feeling, or lack there of, is driving me crazy.  Every time I bring it up it's never a pleasant conversation.  It's a snarky remark, an argument, an "I'll just sleep on the couch then.." kind of night.  As he put it so bluntly and repeatedly, "I feel like we have this same argument all of the time."

Truth is, we do.

Is it wrong for me to want that emotional connection?  I'm not asking for the moon, the stars, or even a kidney.  I just intensely desire the feeling of being wanted.  
I want to know he's thinking about me.
I want to know that when I'm in his arms he's doing more than scheming the best strategy to kill x amount of monsters in x amount of time on Dungeons and Slayings 5.

It's like a drug.  I had it, and I was addicted. 
The desire, the fulfillment. It quenched every starving ounce of my soul and body.  But then like that, it was gone.  Stripped from my bones and left to nothing.  I was in rapid detox, and not coping well.

In my mind--it is entirely my fault.

I am failing.  The first thing my demon says is that I am a failure as a woman.  I can't give him the baby he wants, so the chemicals in his brain are rejecting me.  I am not the most suitable partner, I cannot produce the strongest offspring.  His natural instincts are driving him away from me and my dis-functioning ovaries. It's just nature in motion.

So then, the rest of my conscience turns on me.  Look at you.  You are short, weak, pathetic.  You are overweight.  You have no job.  You are not a robot wife that keeps the house sparkling clean.  You can't even put the laundry away.  What good are you?

As I cried tears of self resentment, I really feel like a part of me died.  Maybe I am expecting too much from him, from the situation.  Perhaps none of this was even real, that I imagined the whole thing.  It is then and now that I feel the demon has won.

I know my husband loves me.
This is a fact that has brought me from nothing, to here.

He is supportive, he is a provider.
When I look in his eyes I know that he is mine, wrapped around my finger 100%.

But to love, and not lust after, this is where the demon wins.

Do I dismiss my own feelings, in order to keep the peace of our relationship?
Do I disregard my desire to keep the pond from rippling?
Do I burn my needs and shut my mouth, for the greater good?

Questions I'm asking--Answers I'm seeking.
The battle rages on.


The Wait

Appointment is finally set!  The countdown to June 8th is officially on. :) I'm hoping real things happen at this RE appointment, no "well we'll see you back in 680 months! Kbai!" business.  DH will be going with me, as I made it clear this is not an optional visit.  So in the meanwhile I am making a list of all of the things I want to ask about.  I feel last time I was so overwhelmed by everything my mind drew a complete blank.  Not this time!  I'll have my homework ready--along with the answers to the bonus questions.

Other up-and-coming things:

1. Kitten has her first vet appointment next week. :)  She will not be happy about this. Po' Toki.
2. A very good friend of mine is coming to visit Memorial Day weekend! Tres excited about this! :)  Need me some girl time, fo'sho.
3. In July my wifey-poo will be coming up and we will be going to see Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj in concert! AHH! I'm so excited!

Other than that, not much to blog about. DH is having trouble with his PT test---ie he's failed every one of them. :(  I'm really worried he will get kicked out of the army for this.  (This does happen.)  The only thing he fails is the run.  He had shin splints last September, and since then he has a lot of trouble with his legs.  What I don't think is fair though, is that it is supposed to be a 2 mile run, and in reality the course they run is 2.2 miles and mainly uphill.  But still, my mind always goes to the worst.  Say he fails and gets the boot...then we'd have to move back to WV, and be at square none with the baby situation.  It is upsetting, to say the least.  So per wifely duties, I asked if he ever just runs the course to run it, and he said no.  So I'm dragging his bum to post Saturday so we can run it (and by we I mean, he'll run it, and I'll run 20 feet before I pass out.)  It's all I can think of to help. So we'll see.

How about one more lol pic? Yes please.


Blog Award! Yay!

I never win anything--so yay! :) Shout out to Waiting on Our Miracle ! <3

Here's how it works:

Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog. Link back to the person who gave you it. Tell 10 things about yourself. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

1. I thoroughly believe in the pursuit of happiness.  If you arn't happy, what are you waiting for?
2.  The word "ain't" is my biggest pet peeve.  I could give a shit less if it's in the dictionary. It sounds ignorant. Period.
3. I have a deep obsession with pandas. I have a million in my house, and one tattooed on my ankle.
4. My family doesn't say "I love you." It's weird to hear it, and I've vowed never to make my children feel this way.
5. I have an irrational fear of deep bodies of water.
6. I claim to hate country music, but it's starting to grow on me.
7. My dog Tatem is my life. Love my tater tot!
8.  I've had a "starter marriage."  
9.  Only a few people know about my being married now--it's a secret. :) (except to you Blogger--you know everything.)
10. Strawberry banana nutella crepes rock my world.

The rules after say I have to nominate 15 newly discovered bloggies to give the award to.  It was at this point when I realized I didn't even follow 15 blogs, haha. Blogger abuse!  I'll come back to this when I get my numbers up! :)

Once again, YAY! :D

You're how old?

Quick rant:

DH is the first man I've relationshiped with who was actually independent.  He could take care of himself, cook his own self food, do his own laundry, pay his own bills, owned is own car.  Going from ex-husband who was none of those things for the most part, it was a breath of fresh air! (Not including the fact that we actually have things in common and he is not a redneck.  But another story for another blog post.. :) )  But, we, well I, ran into a brick wall of "You're how old? And you.." recently.

So last week, due to the unforeseen expenses and condition of Kuro prior to that, I miscalculated DH's lunch time fun times and paid the cable bill, which overdrafted his account.  I don't say "our" account, because my name still isn't on it yet.  In my realm of being, which is a fully functioning adult realm, this is no big drama llama to me.  Shit happens!  His check went through the next day, so all was fine.

I was wrong.

Apparently in the mean time, the bank sent a letter to his parent's house since he's never bothered to update the account address.  In return, his parents called him repeatedly last night to inform him about it. Left him a voicemail and then blew up his phone after 10:30 last night.  Is it just me, or is this really weird?  Because it REALLY bothered me. It wouldn't have bothered me had it been just one "Oh, by the way, two weeks ago you overdrafted! FYI!" Short and sweet background behind being bothered:  from when DH started working until last year, what 7-8 years, his mother took every check he earned and wouldn't let him have the money.  She wouldn't even let him open his own account to put the checks into.  He had to go behind her back to open his account, which did not go over well, so safe to say her name is also on his checking account. Oh, and the kicker is DH has money in savings, but he has no idea where it is. Yes--his mother also has that money. I have so many issues with all of that I wouldn't even know where to start typing.  But, back to subject...

So I just think it is weird that he is a 25 year old grown ass man and his mother still feels the need to control his finances.  Is it just me?  We got into an argument about it last week, about the savings thing, but all he kept saying was "This is the way it's always been."

Things I'll never do to my children, Chapter 1. :/

PS---Metformin is kicking my ass today.  Along with my allergies. Friday Fail!


Short & Sweet

Called to get my appointment today--still no schedule out for June. Advised to check back Monday.

Mood: Ugh!


Insomnia = A to Z of TTC!

Stolen WORD FOR WORD from Miss A . :)  Haha--just kidding! ;P

A. Age when you started TTC: 23

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: It's more like, "Bed, naked, 2 minutes. No questions." haha :)

C. Children wanted: I really want 3--two girls and a boy.  But if we had twins (which are suspiciously likely) we might just have the two.  Something about being the odd man out I wouldn't want for baby #3.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two baby dogs-- Mr. Tatem "Tater-Tot" Bell who will be six in two weeks (sniffle), Snapple (5) and a brand spankin new baby cat Toki.
E.  Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Nadda.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: None yet--June hopefully!

G. Gain: 60 pounds from age 19-20.  Dark times.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  Haven't had the pleasure yet--but I suspect that will go down in June too.

I.  Infertile Pet Peeves: *Ahem*
People who clearly do not deserve children and have them.
Those same people who get pregnant because the wind blows north.
People who completely ignore infertility and rub their babies in people's faces.
People who say "relax..yadda yadda".  I could be relaxed to the point of pooping on myself--no baby would rent space in my womb.
The inability to talk to fertile people (which is everyone.)  Face it--they don't care or understand.

J. Job title: Part time Etsy Adventurer, Full time SAHS.

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I'm having a really hard time with this subject, because DH's last name is in a word--nasty. It's hard to fit things with it.  But taken or not, I'm in love with the name Clover. It will be mine---regardless of one of my girlfriends saying "If we get a dog, my man was going to name it Clover."  Whatever my baby > your dog.

L. Length of time TTC: 7 Months actively trying.  I was never trying to not prevent it though----with my trainwreck first marriage or my current wonderful, beautiful one.

M.  Miscarriages: Zero...hoping it stays this number, I hate that PCOS gives you a 40% chance of miscarrying. :(
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Switched OB's the first round 3 times.  We don't have a single "RE" because military healthcare works on rotations.

O. Ovarian quality: No idea :/
P. POAS or wait for AF: I'm a half and halfer...usually the stick wins.  Much more friendlier than that bitch AF.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Wellppp--I'm pregnant for the 19,870 time! TEE HEE!"  and "You should wait another xxxxxxx years before you have kids!" STFU.
S. Sperm: To quote "The men of our family have potent sperm, watch out!".  DH will be getting his "super sperm"  tested this month sometime.

T. Time you tried naturally: No such thing.  I already knew I had a problem, so we skipped right to the solution process.

U. Uterus quality: No one has ever told me I needed to remodel, so I guess good!

V. Vagina: Who-ha! or Hooo-ha!

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Nothing.  I don't want these things to give me nightmares.

X.  X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Two good friends of mine.  That's about it.  I don't even bother with family, they're the least understanding people.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Before the move--yes.  Now, I just go with the flow. :)

Z.  Zits: I've had them since the age of 12.  Mid twenties, my face is pretty clear, but not completely.


Paper Flowers Bring Money Showers?

I have a very kind, very understanding DH.  He has willingly gone to the craft store with me 3 times in 24 hours. Poor guy!  The end result of this is I have more paper flowers than you can imagine, so this business idea better work out, or I'll have to be buried with these damn things! haha :)

In related news, I did make my first sale! :)  But I don't feel too victorious because it was a very good friend of mine (and she actually bought 3---super woo!). As long as she enjoys them, that's what matters! ^^  In other related related news, I am doing a giveaway on my facebook fan page for this one:

Details are here: http://www.facebook.com/PandaLilyDesigns .  Nothing too fancy and you don't have to jump through a ring of fire to win it.  Though that would have potentially been awesome. Could-a, would-a, should-a! 

I get to make my next RE appointment at the end of the week...I'm super excited!  I told DH it is mandatory he goes this time.  I even gave him super stank eye (more so than usual).  I haven't checked my blood pressure in awhile either, but hubby checked it for me tonight and it was 122/86.  Much better than the upper 130/90s it was last month.  Another victory!  I've also made it my goal to work out all of this month.  Not sure how that will go, but I'm starting with setting a goal and going from there.  Again.

DH and I went to the zoo to celebrate our 6 month anniversary (dorky--I know!) and unfortunately, it set off his baby fever again.  It's all he talked about the whole evening.  He even had me go on facebook to look at some girl he knows pictures because she just had a baby with her husband, who is 100% Korean.  It put me back down to zero hope that our child would look anything like me.  He begged to differ, saying since it will only be 1/4 Korean it'll look like me.  Based on his brother's kids however--I still base my hope at a meager 10%. Whomp, whomp! Haha..joking aside I am so ready for those big brown eyes and dark hair, bring it!

That's all I have for now, Goodnight blogettes!

Us--Last year when I was trying to take a picture of myself and he popped in the background, dork.


Marketing Schmarketing!

Oh my gosh...I never realized that Facebook marketing was a full time job.  It's all I've been doing for 4 hours! @.@  I guess it is a good thing I don't work..haha. :)   I did made some new clips last night, two of which I was majorly proud of:

I still haven't made any sales yet, which is a bummer, but hopefully that changes soon. :)  At least I hope so, with as much blabbing as I've been doing about this store.  Most people just ignore me, also a bummer. Whomp, whomp!

In other news, we got a new kitten.  Her name is Toki and she is absolutely out of control with her kitten antics! Haha.  She's so cute though, gotta love her.  And I have NO idea what all these animals got into, but between the kitten farts and dog poots, my fur-babies are about to run me out of the house. :)


Blood? I guess I have plenty!

Not only was my "list of things we are testing" so long it cascaded down to the floor and then some, they took 15 vials of blood from my poor food-deprived arms.  While in a normal world, I wouldn't get these results until June when baby-makin-appointment #2 is, whenever that is.  However!--my DH will be able to check them for me in two weeks. Wee! :)

One more round of Provera and 6-7 more weeks until the next step! Mucho excitedo!

Back from Easter Madness!

Easter weekend was both exciting and emotional this year, to say the least.

DH and I took the familiar country roads back down south, with one dog and one cat.  Snapple spazzed out the whole time, whining and crying.  I was having flashbacks to when I had both dogs in the car when we moved up here.  Not good times!   I'd say he shed about 20% of his fur on my backseat too.  Tatem did not go with us, but had a nice little vacation with one of DH's coworkers.  I haven't picked him up yet since we got in so late last night, but safe to say I miss my baby dog! :(

We took the cat back to WV to get him fixed.  When you adopt from the shelter there, the fee includes spaying/neutering.  DH and I went early to drop him off, but before we had gotten out of the vet's office the vet tech ran out to tell us that Kuro's skin was jaundice and that we should probably get bloodwork done.  So we did---turned out his liver enzymes were in the 600s, which they are supposed to be at most in the one to two digit range.  He tested negative for HIV/Leukemia so they said it was more than likely liver disease or some other infection. The Vet also said that he wasn't six months old like the shelter said, he was 2-3 years old. They gave us antibiotics and liver supplements, and said if he didn't perk up in a few days then his survival rate was less than 40%.  What bothers me, was that before this, he was fine.  He loved to sleep (what cat doesn't?) but he was still playful and ate food 24/7.  It's like once he knew he was sick, it was over.  This all happened Thursday.  Friday he was mopey and didn't want to do anything except lay there and purr.  Saturday evening, he couldn't even walk.  He'd take a few steps and then fall over.  Sunday he couldn't move, wouldn't blink, and was barely breathing. We put him down that afternoon.  It broke my heart to see him suffer like that, and when he could barely walk I knew he wouldn't make it the rest of the weekend.  Seeing my husband cry over him was the worst.  We only had Kuro for three weeks--but it was enough for us to get a little attached. I'm glad he didn't spend that time in the pound and that he at least got a chance to feel love before he went to kitty heaven.  We love and miss you Kuro Kitty!

AF also visited this weekend, so I'm going to get a whole mess of blood work done today.  I have to pick DH up around 3 to take him to his optometrist appointment*, so I'm going to go a smidge early and go to the medical center on base to get it over with.  I hate needles, I hate getting blood drawn.  It doesn't help that one of the tests I need done is a fasting glucose, so I haven't ate since last night.  I am starving!  You always want most what you can't have. :)

*This will be the first time DH has gotten his eyes dilated (which I find 2000% hard to believe, because he wears glasses, so I KNOW he's had it done before).  Naturally, I will be taking these moments to torture him in his state of blindness. Mwhahaha!  And it is well justified too, because he is making me drive to Walter Reed.  The last time I drove there by the time I got to it by blood pressure was 155/114.  It is scary as shit, to put it nicely. :)

Guess I'll try to get my laziness out of bed now---It is almost noon after all.