Ready, Set, Go

That's one small step for me, one giant leap into making a baby.

I called and made an appointment to see my PCM today.  Being a military spouse with no military background, I have to say, everything is pretty ambiguous.  The first thing that got me, is that when you sign up for Tricare, and don't have a "civilian" (FYI---I hate referring to things as civilian. Ugh.) doctor you have the pleasure of blindly picking one from a list.  Now that's not to say that that may or may not be how it works in the real world too I suppose.  Picking physicians is all trial and error anyway, right?  I still find it horrendously uncomfortable to place your care in a complete stranger you know nothing about or can get any recommendations of their work.  I went through three OB/GYNs to find one that didn't remind me of the grim reaper.  But now I'm back to square one.  No doctors or comfort in sight.

So Monday is my appointment.  I prepping myself to stand in a line for 3 hours only to see the doctor for 50 seconds to get a referral to an RE. (Reproductive Endocrinologist..it took me a long time to figure that out!)  And then I get the luxury of praying to an upper deity that that person isn't an asshat. Good times are here at last.

My husband may or may not be leaving soon to go on three seperate outings, all of which will have him gone from next week, until the end of March.  It bothers me that I'll be alone, sure.  It upsets me though that I have to go through this process alone.  I know I'll get poked and prodded when I go to this RE, and it was nice to think I'd at least have a hand to hold or at least some reassurance when I went to cry out my body's water supply.  He told me last night during my sob fest to schedule the appointments when he'd be home so he could go.  The thing is, he doesn't know when he will be home.  So here is how the math breaks down for that: one husband who will be in Kuwait "soon" + one impatient beyond reasoning wife + infertility stress = Not happening.

Not to mention, I had this really weird dream two days ago.  But honestly, I'm not really sure if it was a dream or not.  I had woken up several times unable to sleep.  At one point during my haze, be it dream or not, I was telling myself not to worry--because I was already pregnant.  I then during this state had that feeling of completeness.  Safe to say, when I woke up, I really wasn't sure what to think.  Two days later, I still don't know what to think.

Good thing it's late enough after noon to have a cocktail.