Things I Fail at Wednesday.

Depression Wednesday =

*My oldest friend just updated her FB to "I just love being a mommy!"  She just had her baby last week.  I'm happy for her---don't get me wrong.  But bitter me instantaneously took over.  I'm sure I'd love it to, if it ever happens. -_-  June is too far away, and June is just the beginning stage of this whole ungodly process. Sigh.

*I'll be heading back home soon for a visit, which means I'll undoubtedly hear the endless questioning from my family as to why I don't have a job yet.  "Are you even looking?  Are you even trying"  Yes--thanks.  I apply endlessly to no avail.  I'm over qualified for retail, and I don't have enough experience with my certification to be looked at seriously by anyone.  It sucks, I know.  And I'm sure I couldn't even squeak by with a "But I started making hair clips.."  Before that sentiment could get out of my mouth, it would be deemed a failure, not good enough, zero win.

*I need help to stick to my (non-existant) workout regiment, but I don't have that.  I'm not one of those people that can just go forth and do it.  DH has to do two rounds of PT at work, so I don't ever want to ask him to go for a third when he gets home.  But when we do talk about it, he says he'll help, but he never sticks to it.  And naturally I don't want to remind him because of my previous reasoning.

*Ex-husband has decided to finally take care of the cell phone issue that has been ongoing since our divorce, but it's so abrupt and sudden that now I'm at a loss as to what to do.  Figures.

Is it Thursday yet?


Usual 2 AM Update

I'm never sure what I do that takes up my time--but something happens somewhere, and I lose days at a time.  Thursday-Friday I spent with my girlfriend for our conjugal visit.  We colored each others hair and shopped for all kinds of goodies.  I wish she lived closer.  It's about an hour and twenty minute drive, but she's all I got within a close range.  I wish I knew people around here--but I still don't have a job and it is a rare day that I leave the apartment.

Speaking of jobs, I've started to make fashionable hair clips.  I've become obsessed with them over the past year or so, and since I don't have a baby to slap giant flowers on her head, I've decided to make them for myself and sell them!  :)  Not sure of specifics yet...I have no idea what to charge for them, but I have made the first step and made a Facebook page for them.  Check it out--and tell your friends!  A unicorn will do the safety dance and make it rain marshmallows and sprinkles for 40 days if you do.  I swear!


What else....DH and I took a random trip to the beach!  It was his first time going to a beach (weirdo!).  He was such a little kid...he ran out to the water and was amazed that the tide would wash the sand around his feet.  He was also pretty hellbent on finding seashells and "digging" for them.  This trip would have been bomb.com if it hadn't been...oh like 30 degrees with the crazy wind.  Lucky for me I brought a hoodie--I almost didn't seeing as weather.com said it was going to be 60 degrees that day in Ocean City, MD.  Yea..maybe.  We had a good time though--and it was like cake to get there!  Only took around 2 hours and the drive wasn't bad at all.  Too bad it is JUST out of range for DH and his military guidelines.  We can't go on a whim during the summer, because he can only travel 150 miles without a leave packet and the trip just happens to be 160.  Boo, hiss.

I also found out that J was going to buy me a fancy schmancy Nikon camera for my birthday even though I told him I didn't want one anymore.  He never remembered me saying this--therefore he was crushed.  Knowing him he'll probably get it anyway.  Not that I mind :), it is just something I don't "have to have."

I finished my Provera yesterday, so now I'm waiting on AF to pay her visit.  And then start all over again. Two more times.  Boo, hiss.

Oh well, the bed is calling me...zzz!

Not dead

I'm not dead---I swear!  Update later, if I remember. x.x


Provera = Headache = Fail

I started Provera Thursday, and I must say, I've had a headache every day since then.  The one I have at the moment, I've had all evening and apparently it's Tylenol resistant, which is always fantastic.  I would also give the world to be sleepy right about now, but I'm wide awake with no signs of energy depletion.  

I'm getting supra excited for the Cherry Blossom Festival!  Only two more weeks! :)  I ordered a yukata earlier, and am hoping it gets here on time! DH wants to dress up too, but I couldn't find one for him that wasn't at least $80.  I plan on venturing to the fabric store sometime this week to see if I can find some pattern and price appropriate fabric to make it myself.  I also need to bleach out my roots this week too.  My hair is three different colors at the moment, which doesn't bother me personally, but I'm sure society is taking an issue with my blonde failure.  Checklist, updated.

DH is also teasing me about my birthday present.  "It's something you've been asking for for awhile.."  I can't think of what it is.  I will find out though, bet your bottom. It's on like Donkey Kong.


Nothing in Particular

Daylight savings time has rocked my world in half, or more specifically, my sleeping schedule.

Hubz and I went to IKEA Saturday.  Even though there is nothing ever really "new new" there I always seem to get stuck in there for at least 2 hours.  It's worse than Walmart.  We came out with a new computer desk with fancy cube storage, some bamboo, a new carpet runner, and a picture frame.  Hubz wanted a multi-picture frame so we could get more pictures of us on the wall.  He's cute...sometimes. ;)

Today, Tatem (my older dog-pog, whom I like to call Tater-tot) was all about throwing up on the carpet. The gross thing about dogs, is that some of them, like both of mine, try to eat it immediately after.  Gross.  We also went to the store, where Hubs brought some yellow cake mix to the cart...

Hubz: "I'm getting cake mix so I can practice making you a birthday cake."

Me:  "Oh yea?  So you're just getting cake.  No icing?"

Hubz: "Oh..haha.  Guess that's important."

Me:  "And you're going with yellow huh?"

Hubz: "Yep."   (pause)  "...What kind of cake do you like again?"

A for effort.

I also found some baby pictures of mine while I was cleaning today, so I handed them to him and said, "These are what your children won't look like!  Just a reminder!"  This is a running joke I have, because he is half Korean, and I am clear white and pastey-town.  So naturally, our kids will look nothing like me, and everywhere I go with them people will assume I have adopted 16 asian children.  16 is also a running joke.  I'll be happy with one at this point, but no way will a mini football team come busting through the victory sign where the tunnel meets the light.  No sir.


Operation: Babies and Bikinis

I found the will power to say "NO!" to eating a swiss cake roll for breakfast.  I decided based on this glorious and mystical feat, I would start "Operation: Babies and Bikinis" today.

Mission objectives:

1. Get ass on treadmill EVERY F'N DAY! This means you, Monday through Sunday!
2. After eating some delish Bulgogi & Rice, I broke up with the rice.  I used the "It's not you--it's me" bit. Rice took it hard, but I'm confident he'll find someone else.
3. Prep for the return of AF.  I haven't missed the b one bit, but I know she is a necessary evil to my baby scheme.

I'm hoping this motivation lasts through June (and beyond!) like I need it to.  I doodled all over an important looking but unused calendar I found in DH's army jazz as a sign of my unstoppable commitment to O:B&B.



Wasting away again in Infertility-ville..

I have very mixed feelings about the appointment I had at Walter Reed REI today.  I feel happy that I've taken a step towards progress and ultimately happiness, however it also feels like I've stepped in mud and may find it a struggle to get the next foot to go forward.  Let's face it:  infertility is a waiting game and patience never made it to my virtue list. Happy points -1.

Most things happened like I thought they would.  The RE (who I loved, btw [win!]) reordered pretty much all of the blood work I had done last year since it was in fact, done last year.  I figured as much.  She also redid the ultrasound since the papers I had for the last one were in her words "the most usless thing she's ever looked at."  After the u/s (and a surprise pap smear..my favorite kind) she agreed with the PCOS dx.  However, this is where things got...weird.

She told me for the next few months that I needed to lose weight, which I can agree on.  By this time I was so focused on absorbing all of the things she was telling me, something slipped under my radar.  They give new patients a fancy guide to all things infertile and in it is a chart of where you are supposed to be weight wise.  She had circled in that my goal weight for my next appointment in three months should be 191 lbs.  Wait....what?  I was then straining to remember what the scale in the other room had said, and I could have SWORN it said 168.  But because I lacked full-proof know-how, I didn't say anything and let her continue on with explaining the game plan.  I couldn't get off of this though. 191..what?!  I was texting my wifey about this, and suddenly had a vision.  I remember that on my chart the doctor had on her desk, there was a post-it complaining about my once again high blood pressure and below that it said "Obese- 110 kg".  Certainly not the most knowledgable person on conversions, I googled this.  242 lbs!  Everything made MUCH more sense now.  Seriously, I am all of 5 feet 2 inches tall.  I know I'm overweight, sure, but you can't tell the difference between me and 242 lb me?  So looking back at it now I should have said something, and can't help but wonder if I had if that would have changed the "game plan." I'm kind of stuck on what to do with that. :/ (And both my scales confirmed the 160 range...I was not crazy, this time.)

Game plan is as follows:

She wants me to take Provera for 3 months.  Not 3 months straight, but do the 10 pills, period, week break, and then the next ten pills, so on and so forth in order to thin my lining.  Apparently you *can* get pregnant this way.  But do I ovulate or don't I? I haven't the slightest idea, which makes me wonder if this is a waste of time or not.  Debating buying an OPK, but I'm not sure if that would be a waste of money or not either.  During which time I'm expected to get to that goal weight (which is done...I guess...haha, check!), go see a nutritionist about said goal weight, get a crap ton of blood work done, and DH has to go have private relations with one Mr. Sterile-Cup.

 I also need to figure out my blood pressure issue and get that under control.  I thought I could get some sympathy today, but nay.  I had to drive in the Washington, DC ghetto for the first time ever.  It was insanity, to say the least.  Safe to say I was stressed to the max.  Therefore BP= 143/113. And then again before I left 155/99.  At home it was 132/90 which was much better, but still a little high.  I've never had issues with this crap, so it's very frustrating.

After the three months, I guess then comes an HSG and starting Clomid.  She didn't say anything about starting Met again, so not entirely too sure about that.  Oh, and the next time I go, I may or may not have that doctor again, because they are on rotation.  Thanks Military.

So as of right now, baby dreams are not happening until 2012 apparently.  Unexcited.



5 more days until my appointment at the fertility place! c :

I'm already nervous, of course.
And I also still need to get my medical records.
And I also still need to find out where this place is and map out my route.
And I also still need...more cowbell?

And I bought a pee test just in case some miracle may have occurred, and of course I'd never be that lucky. BFN.

Looking forward to a weekend full of cuddling, since DH and I have been fighting all week and finally made up this evening. He made dinner and brownies.  I couldn't be mad at brownies!


Sleep, Come back, Please?

Dear Sleep:  Baby, we can work it out.  Give me one more chance!

This insomnia is definitely going to throw off my sleeping schedule.  The nausea when I lay on my stomach isn't helping either.  Wednesday isn't off to a great start.

Taxes actually went really well.  It turns out we are getting green back from both federal and state! I was shocked.  I'm glad we went and had them done, rather than relying on Turbotax which came up with horrible figures.  It was also pretty bombastic that they were done for free.  The military has its perks sometimes.

Speaking of--the base my DH is assigned to is officially an undeployable base.  This made me so happy I could have pee'd myself right there in Chili's, but I had enough restraint not to.  However, DH didn't seem to pleased.  This is something I didn't understand, because he didn't want to be deployed, but he was upset?  Boy brains are ridiculous. 

I saw the commercial for "Coming Home" while I was watching another self-torture show "One Born Every Minute."

"Coming Home" = Military family members coming home....Are you kidding me Lifetime?  The commercial almost had me in tears.  It is produced by the same people as "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" if that gives you any indication of what Sobfest 2011 entails.

"One Born Every Minute" = Women giving birth.  This show fills me with three main feelings:  longing,  jealousy, and fear.  One woman tonight was screaming bloody murder because the baby wouldn't come out while she was pushing.  I cringed the entire time.  C-section is looking pretty good!

Okay body, I updated my blog.  Can we do that thing with the sheep now?