Cat's Out of the Bag- Sorta Kinda!

I didn't realize I hadn't updated in ten days. Jinkies! Let's play catch up.

*Hubby's SA is today!  I've been teasing him for an eternity now about making sweet cuppy love. I'm having him ask if he can get the results over the phone or not, but my guess is no.

*He told his brother that we are married.  His brother, wife, and their baby came to stay with us for a day.  I've never actually gotten to hang out with them, it was super nice!  Also talking to my new "sister" made me feel better about the MIL.  It turns out MIL absolutely hates her, so it's good to know it's not just me. :)  I also changed my FB status to married, but only one person has noticed...haha.

*Pool opens next week, my friend comes in on Saturday. Tres excited! Not excited about driving to Dulles though, I've heard horror stories. :/

That's all I've got, not entirely exciting as it turns out. :]

Panda Lily Designs Love Time!


The Sunday After Saturday

Who knew a bottle of hair bleach and a can of Coca-Cola could make Sunday so good? :)

DH got me a fancy new table to do my crafting on!  We stuck it in the bedroom and had to do some feng shui to get everything to fit and not look too horrible.  He wouldn't let me stick the dog cages beside the bed so now one half of the room looks like furniture town and the other half is slightly barren.  A bummer for my inner interior decorator.  He really only swiped the table for me because he was sick of seeing my crafting stuff all over the computer desk. (IE--He couldn't get to the computer...ever. Har, har!)

He is also going out in the field this week for a company that isn't his.  Insert the usual rant about missing him, but reveling in the fact the house will be clean until Friday. :)  The only part I hated about this outing is that they waited until Friday to tell him he'd be leaving Monday and gone all week.  Thanks U.S. Army! You are an endless source of thoughtfulness and tact.

So, all in all everything is a-ok. :)
Miss Kitten has her very first vet appointment this week, Lady Gaga's new CD comes out in 8 days, and DH is getting his SA done next Tuesday.  Annnndddd less than two weeks until my girlfriend comes to visit the sights and sounds of DC! (And me!) :)

End of May---you are shaping up very nicely! Lookin' good!


Matters of the Heart and Inner Demons

As a warning before you read this, this is an emo blog post.  I have no one I feel I can talk to about this period, so this is for my own well being.  More than likely, it will make no sense to anyone but me.  But, if you happen to decipher it, please do not comment with sad faces and internet hugs, this is not what I'm after.  I post this only as a way to bring an inner demon of mine out of my chest and into tangible black and white.  If you do not agree with anything I write, once again, please don't comment.  A happy blog post will come another day and I will resume being my normal self, I assure you.  But as of this moment, I am at an emotional low, and this is me building the stairs up and out of my darkness.

Thanks in advance.

To have a peaceful relationship, what lengths should one strive for to make that work?  Is sacrificing the things you want and most desire the appropriate path to take in order to keep the waters calm?  In an endless argument, is it best to swallow your pride and disregard your own needs for the greater good?

That's the choice I'm faced with.

In matters of sex in relation to the importance of a partnership, if we're speaking honestly, it's pretty up there.  We all get to that comfortable point where we are past the honeymoon phase, but have not yet plateaued onto abstinence.  It becomes a game of cat and mouse, a game of scheduling and sleep.

Our only argument has been over sex.  We don't argue over money, or who's right and wrong, it's always bedroom related.  At the beginning, it was fabulous.  A never ending onslaught of passion of fervor.  This feeling, as it turns out, was at its peak before its prime.  After the "I do's" and a 400+ mile move, sex went from frequent to an immediate downhill sled race to nadda.

Honestly, the frequency isn't an issue for me.  
It's the passion.

The feeling of being wanted, to know his eyes are watching my every move, thinking every move is beautiful. Growing more and more in need of my touch.  It's very easy to write this off as a fantasy feeling.  Something you read about in literature, see on the television.  Ladies--if you're claiming to have never felt this once in your relationship endeavors, you are lying to yourself.  You know it's real, and you know it's intoxicating.  For a man to want you and no one else, it's gold, the Midas touch.

When trying to conceive with the pitfalls of infertility, sex can be routine.  Nothing strips the fun out of the bedroom like, "We have to do it at this time, in this position.  Don't be late or you are fired."  As females, we are built to feed off the emotional aspects of physical love.  Face it--the sex is not spectacular if you are not there mentally. Truth, simply put.

This single feeling, or lack there of, is driving me crazy.  Every time I bring it up it's never a pleasant conversation.  It's a snarky remark, an argument, an "I'll just sleep on the couch then.." kind of night.  As he put it so bluntly and repeatedly, "I feel like we have this same argument all of the time."

Truth is, we do.

Is it wrong for me to want that emotional connection?  I'm not asking for the moon, the stars, or even a kidney.  I just intensely desire the feeling of being wanted.  
I want to know he's thinking about me.
I want to know that when I'm in his arms he's doing more than scheming the best strategy to kill x amount of monsters in x amount of time on Dungeons and Slayings 5.

It's like a drug.  I had it, and I was addicted. 
The desire, the fulfillment. It quenched every starving ounce of my soul and body.  But then like that, it was gone.  Stripped from my bones and left to nothing.  I was in rapid detox, and not coping well.

In my mind--it is entirely my fault.

I am failing.  The first thing my demon says is that I am a failure as a woman.  I can't give him the baby he wants, so the chemicals in his brain are rejecting me.  I am not the most suitable partner, I cannot produce the strongest offspring.  His natural instincts are driving him away from me and my dis-functioning ovaries. It's just nature in motion.

So then, the rest of my conscience turns on me.  Look at you.  You are short, weak, pathetic.  You are overweight.  You have no job.  You are not a robot wife that keeps the house sparkling clean.  You can't even put the laundry away.  What good are you?

As I cried tears of self resentment, I really feel like a part of me died.  Maybe I am expecting too much from him, from the situation.  Perhaps none of this was even real, that I imagined the whole thing.  It is then and now that I feel the demon has won.

I know my husband loves me.
This is a fact that has brought me from nothing, to here.

He is supportive, he is a provider.
When I look in his eyes I know that he is mine, wrapped around my finger 100%.

But to love, and not lust after, this is where the demon wins.

Do I dismiss my own feelings, in order to keep the peace of our relationship?
Do I disregard my desire to keep the pond from rippling?
Do I burn my needs and shut my mouth, for the greater good?

Questions I'm asking--Answers I'm seeking.
The battle rages on.


The Wait

Appointment is finally set!  The countdown to June 8th is officially on. :) I'm hoping real things happen at this RE appointment, no "well we'll see you back in 680 months! Kbai!" business.  DH will be going with me, as I made it clear this is not an optional visit.  So in the meanwhile I am making a list of all of the things I want to ask about.  I feel last time I was so overwhelmed by everything my mind drew a complete blank.  Not this time!  I'll have my homework ready--along with the answers to the bonus questions.

Other up-and-coming things:

1. Kitten has her first vet appointment next week. :)  She will not be happy about this. Po' Toki.
2. A very good friend of mine is coming to visit Memorial Day weekend! Tres excited about this! :)  Need me some girl time, fo'sho.
3. In July my wifey-poo will be coming up and we will be going to see Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj in concert! AHH! I'm so excited!

Other than that, not much to blog about. DH is having trouble with his PT test---ie he's failed every one of them. :(  I'm really worried he will get kicked out of the army for this.  (This does happen.)  The only thing he fails is the run.  He had shin splints last September, and since then he has a lot of trouble with his legs.  What I don't think is fair though, is that it is supposed to be a 2 mile run, and in reality the course they run is 2.2 miles and mainly uphill.  But still, my mind always goes to the worst.  Say he fails and gets the boot...then we'd have to move back to WV, and be at square none with the baby situation.  It is upsetting, to say the least.  So per wifely duties, I asked if he ever just runs the course to run it, and he said no.  So I'm dragging his bum to post Saturday so we can run it (and by we I mean, he'll run it, and I'll run 20 feet before I pass out.)  It's all I can think of to help. So we'll see.

How about one more lol pic? Yes please.


Blog Award! Yay!

I never win anything--so yay! :) Shout out to Waiting on Our Miracle ! <3

Here's how it works:

Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog. Link back to the person who gave you it. Tell 10 things about yourself. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

1. I thoroughly believe in the pursuit of happiness.  If you arn't happy, what are you waiting for?
2.  The word "ain't" is my biggest pet peeve.  I could give a shit less if it's in the dictionary. It sounds ignorant. Period.
3. I have a deep obsession with pandas. I have a million in my house, and one tattooed on my ankle.
4. My family doesn't say "I love you." It's weird to hear it, and I've vowed never to make my children feel this way.
5. I have an irrational fear of deep bodies of water.
6. I claim to hate country music, but it's starting to grow on me.
7. My dog Tatem is my life. Love my tater tot!
8.  I've had a "starter marriage."  
9.  Only a few people know about my being married now--it's a secret. :) (except to you Blogger--you know everything.)
10. Strawberry banana nutella crepes rock my world.

The rules after say I have to nominate 15 newly discovered bloggies to give the award to.  It was at this point when I realized I didn't even follow 15 blogs, haha. Blogger abuse!  I'll come back to this when I get my numbers up! :)

Once again, YAY! :D

You're how old?

Quick rant:

DH is the first man I've relationshiped with who was actually independent.  He could take care of himself, cook his own self food, do his own laundry, pay his own bills, owned is own car.  Going from ex-husband who was none of those things for the most part, it was a breath of fresh air! (Not including the fact that we actually have things in common and he is not a redneck.  But another story for another blog post.. :) )  But, we, well I, ran into a brick wall of "You're how old? And you.." recently.

So last week, due to the unforeseen expenses and condition of Kuro prior to that, I miscalculated DH's lunch time fun times and paid the cable bill, which overdrafted his account.  I don't say "our" account, because my name still isn't on it yet.  In my realm of being, which is a fully functioning adult realm, this is no big drama llama to me.  Shit happens!  His check went through the next day, so all was fine.

I was wrong.

Apparently in the mean time, the bank sent a letter to his parent's house since he's never bothered to update the account address.  In return, his parents called him repeatedly last night to inform him about it. Left him a voicemail and then blew up his phone after 10:30 last night.  Is it just me, or is this really weird?  Because it REALLY bothered me. It wouldn't have bothered me had it been just one "Oh, by the way, two weeks ago you overdrafted! FYI!" Short and sweet background behind being bothered:  from when DH started working until last year, what 7-8 years, his mother took every check he earned and wouldn't let him have the money.  She wouldn't even let him open his own account to put the checks into.  He had to go behind her back to open his account, which did not go over well, so safe to say her name is also on his checking account. Oh, and the kicker is DH has money in savings, but he has no idea where it is. Yes--his mother also has that money. I have so many issues with all of that I wouldn't even know where to start typing.  But, back to subject...

So I just think it is weird that he is a 25 year old grown ass man and his mother still feels the need to control his finances.  Is it just me?  We got into an argument about it last week, about the savings thing, but all he kept saying was "This is the way it's always been."

Things I'll never do to my children, Chapter 1. :/

PS---Metformin is kicking my ass today.  Along with my allergies. Friday Fail!


Short & Sweet

Called to get my appointment today--still no schedule out for June. Advised to check back Monday.

Mood: Ugh!


Insomnia = A to Z of TTC!

Stolen WORD FOR WORD from Miss A . :)  Haha--just kidding! ;P

A. Age when you started TTC: 23

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: It's more like, "Bed, naked, 2 minutes. No questions." haha :)

C. Children wanted: I really want 3--two girls and a boy.  But if we had twins (which are suspiciously likely) we might just have the two.  Something about being the odd man out I wouldn't want for baby #3.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two baby dogs-- Mr. Tatem "Tater-Tot" Bell who will be six in two weeks (sniffle), Snapple (5) and a brand spankin new baby cat Toki.
E.  Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Nadda.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: None yet--June hopefully!

G. Gain: 60 pounds from age 19-20.  Dark times.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  Haven't had the pleasure yet--but I suspect that will go down in June too.

I.  Infertile Pet Peeves: *Ahem*
People who clearly do not deserve children and have them.
Those same people who get pregnant because the wind blows north.
People who completely ignore infertility and rub their babies in people's faces.
People who say "relax..yadda yadda".  I could be relaxed to the point of pooping on myself--no baby would rent space in my womb.
The inability to talk to fertile people (which is everyone.)  Face it--they don't care or understand.

J. Job title: Part time Etsy Adventurer, Full time SAHS.

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I'm having a really hard time with this subject, because DH's last name is in a word--nasty. It's hard to fit things with it.  But taken or not, I'm in love with the name Clover. It will be mine---regardless of one of my girlfriends saying "If we get a dog, my man was going to name it Clover."  Whatever my baby > your dog.

L. Length of time TTC: 7 Months actively trying.  I was never trying to not prevent it though----with my trainwreck first marriage or my current wonderful, beautiful one.

M.  Miscarriages: Zero...hoping it stays this number, I hate that PCOS gives you a 40% chance of miscarrying. :(
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Switched OB's the first round 3 times.  We don't have a single "RE" because military healthcare works on rotations.

O. Ovarian quality: No idea :/
P. POAS or wait for AF: I'm a half and halfer...usually the stick wins.  Much more friendlier than that bitch AF.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Wellppp--I'm pregnant for the 19,870 time! TEE HEE!"  and "You should wait another xxxxxxx years before you have kids!" STFU.
S. Sperm: To quote "The men of our family have potent sperm, watch out!".  DH will be getting his "super sperm"  tested this month sometime.

T. Time you tried naturally: No such thing.  I already knew I had a problem, so we skipped right to the solution process.

U. Uterus quality: No one has ever told me I needed to remodel, so I guess good!

V. Vagina: Who-ha! or Hooo-ha!

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Nothing.  I don't want these things to give me nightmares.

X.  X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Two good friends of mine.  That's about it.  I don't even bother with family, they're the least understanding people.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Before the move--yes.  Now, I just go with the flow. :)

Z.  Zits: I've had them since the age of 12.  Mid twenties, my face is pretty clear, but not completely.


Paper Flowers Bring Money Showers?

I have a very kind, very understanding DH.  He has willingly gone to the craft store with me 3 times in 24 hours. Poor guy!  The end result of this is I have more paper flowers than you can imagine, so this business idea better work out, or I'll have to be buried with these damn things! haha :)

In related news, I did make my first sale! :)  But I don't feel too victorious because it was a very good friend of mine (and she actually bought 3---super woo!). As long as she enjoys them, that's what matters! ^^  In other related related news, I am doing a giveaway on my facebook fan page for this one:

Details are here: http://www.facebook.com/PandaLilyDesigns .  Nothing too fancy and you don't have to jump through a ring of fire to win it.  Though that would have potentially been awesome. Could-a, would-a, should-a! 

I get to make my next RE appointment at the end of the week...I'm super excited!  I told DH it is mandatory he goes this time.  I even gave him super stank eye (more so than usual).  I haven't checked my blood pressure in awhile either, but hubby checked it for me tonight and it was 122/86.  Much better than the upper 130/90s it was last month.  Another victory!  I've also made it my goal to work out all of this month.  Not sure how that will go, but I'm starting with setting a goal and going from there.  Again.

DH and I went to the zoo to celebrate our 6 month anniversary (dorky--I know!) and unfortunately, it set off his baby fever again.  It's all he talked about the whole evening.  He even had me go on facebook to look at some girl he knows pictures because she just had a baby with her husband, who is 100% Korean.  It put me back down to zero hope that our child would look anything like me.  He begged to differ, saying since it will only be 1/4 Korean it'll look like me.  Based on his brother's kids however--I still base my hope at a meager 10%. Whomp, whomp! Haha..joking aside I am so ready for those big brown eyes and dark hair, bring it!

That's all I have for now, Goodnight blogettes!

Us--Last year when I was trying to take a picture of myself and he popped in the background, dork.